S Is For Solace.

Everytime a fight occurs,I'll close my eyes and remember.I'll remember the words that Allah told me and whisper it to myself.I'll remember the time when me and my siblings used to play pretend games and make a house out of blankets and pillows.I'll remember our last summer that we spent together as a family in the backyard of our house in UK.I'll remember the last holiday we had before we left for UK in Pangkor Island.I'll remember the last holiday we had before we came back to Malaysia in France.I'll remember waking up my parents by jumping on their bed with my siblings on that one winter morning.I'll go back to my past and remember.Then,I'll open my eyes softly and inhale deeply.

That's when my feet will land on reality.

R Is For Run.

Let me run away from reality and open the doors of my dream.Let me rewrite the story of my life and paint the pictures that go with it.Let me dance amongst the past that once made me smile and meet the people who are not with me now.Let me replay back the happy times that I've experience and replace my present with this captured images of my memories.Let me scrape away this darkness that has begun to evade me.Let me destroy this insecurity that is tearing me apart.Let me capture this hidden feelings that sparks instantly when he is around and keep it in a jar.Let me turn this hatred of mine into something called love.Let me break the reflection of the girl who is standing before this huge mirror and remake her into someone else.Let me find myself,please.

But I can't,so what do I do now?

Q Is For Quarrel.

Why do we always find fault with others?Can't we just live life without fighting?My ears are moaning from the tiredness of the same fight.It's always the same topic,the same people,the same ending.I'm so tired of all of this.

Damn it,I can't write.

P Is For Pantophobia.

Pantophobia :

Also known as panphobia,omniphobia or panophobia.

Fear of the unknown.Fear of everything.Unspecific fear.

You texted me till I fell asleep,clutching my phone.When I woke up,your text was waiting for me.Do you know what you have done to me?This feeling that just keeps on growing for you may one day explode when you leave me.How am I suppose to put the pieces back together then?I'm so scared.So scared of the unknown future that awaits for me.There's just so much changed that has taken place ever since I got back.The me that I was before is longer here.How am I suppose to cope if you leave me?

Allah,don't let this wavering thoughts bother me anymore.I'm happy.Even if its not the happiness that I want,this happiness that he's giving me is enough for now.There are so many obstacles that I'm facing right now.I'm so scared.I know that You know what is right for me.I know that You wont give us trials if You know we can handle them but why is this heart of mine wavering?Our soul finds peace when You are near to us right?Am I that far away from You,Allah?

O Is For Over.

We had our first exam for this semester and thank God it's over!The course was Introduction To Computer I and darn it I studied my butts off for this test.Spent last night and the day before revising.Was so worried in the morning cause I didn't really remembered much but alhamdulillah,I was able to answer all of the questions.Don't even know if I got it right *nervous laugh* To be honest the paper wasn't that bad but I mustn't be too confidence cause for all I know I might have failed the paper but I hope not *praying*

N Is For Nostalgic.

And there she stood,

At the verge of breaking down,

Her playful charade crumbles ever so slowly,

The smile that lingers on her face waver,

As the crowd disperse around her,

This tiny figure disappeared amongst them,

She stared at her tiny feet,

Wondering when her past

Would stop chasing her,

And ever so silently,

A tear slid down her face,

Quietly,she weeps for the

Nostalgia that clung to her soul.

How nostalgic...

M Is For Movie Night!

It's our last day of class for this semester!! *teenagers gone wild* I was suppose to go back today but due to certain inconvenience,I decided to stay and have a sleepover at the girl's room.Well it's not really the usual sleepover you usual have since we have to do it in our friend's dorm and there are other unknown people around but nevertheless it was still awesome.

Ate our way through junk food and watched endless movies.One of the movie was pretty good for a not-so-famous-movie.It's called Frozen and I have no idea who are the actors but I only recognized one of the main character who played 'Bobby' in X-Men.We all ended up sprawling with our pillows and blankets everywhere.So much for being girls..

L Is For Lost.

So many nights and days have passed and this heart is filled with loneliness and emptiness.As I started to sink deeper into this abyss of darkness,You reached out your hand and pulled me back into the light.This face of mine is streaming with tears and suddenly I realised that this lonely and empty heart was actually screaming for you.It was actually yearning for your presence and yet my arrogance continues to gallop in my mind and take control.

Ya Allah,I beseech you.

Allahumma innee A’oothu bika minal hammi wal hazan, wa a’outhu bika minal ajzi wal kasal, wa a’outhu bika minal jubni wal bukhl, wa a’outhu bika min ghalabatid deyni wa gahrir rijal.

O Allah, I seek refuge in you from worry and grief. I seek refuge in You from helplessness and laziness. I seek refuge in You from cowardice and miserliness. And I seek refugee in You from being overcome by debt and being put in oppression by men.

K Is For Krispy Kreme.

I just realised that I really do miss UK.And I mean a lot.It's almost as though I'm homesick (but that's entirely impossible cause my home is here now but you get my point right?).

I miss wearing my scratchy but warm and snuggly jumper and rubbing my toes against the radiator in the winter.I miss clearing the brown leaves even though its freezing cold and the wind stings my cheeks in autumn.I miss sitting in the long grass at Kingsbury's field and secretly stalking David Ridger (even though he's gay) with my friends in summer.I miss chasing the squirrels that steal our plums and apples in our backyard in spring.

I miss going to Bullring using the train and just hanging out at Blue Banana.I miss eating the nicely warm and not-so-sweet-but-just-nice Krispy Kreme doughnuts that they sell in Bullring.I miss the German Market that only happens in winter at around Christmas time.I miss going to Banbury in spring and just walking around the quiet town in the morning.I miss going strawberry picking.

I miss the smell of the stinking smelly gym at Kingsbury.I miss the squishy-ness of the corridor when everyone pushes one another after lunch.I miss ogling Mr Halstead when he teaches because he's so frigging hot.I miss receiving chocolate from Mr Hudson.I miss learning cooking with that cooking teacher whose name I forgot (sorry Miss!).I miss the dinner ladies who were always so nice to me.I miss skipping out on PE because I was such a goody-two-shoe *evil laugh* I miss the stupid tie and blazer that I still keep even though I don't use it.

And worst of all,I miss the frigging horrible and unexpected England weather!

Damn...

J Is For Jumper.

The first thing that you guys would probably think about when you see the title is probably that movie called Jumper (the one where the dude can 'jump' from one place to another) but you're actually wrong! *Buzzer sound effect* In England,jumper refers to sweater hence the tittle refers to my jumper!I miss the jumper that I wore to school in the UK.It was so nice and soft and it kept me warm during those horrible cold days.What happened to it *wondering*

I didn't get to go back home due to some circumstances so I'm left abandoned at my dorm *weeps quietly* Due to my missing-in-action-at-home,I couldn't celebrate my mum's birthday and I didn't get a chance to buy her any present so instead I came up with a great idea.I decided to draw something for her!Am I a genius or what? *Smiles arrogantly*

P.S. I don't know who the girl is,she just came to my head.I'm not a perv =_="

I Is For Incredible!

Yay,I'm 18!!

Personally,I think that I am by far the luckiest girl ever.I celebrated my birthday 3 freaking time.How awesome was that?The first was on Friday with my beloved boyfriend,Azeem and two of my TTDI friends,Sara and Sharifah.The second was with my awesome and loving family and last but not least,the third was on my official day with my IIUM friends.

I don't know how I'm suppose to express this happiness that I feel.A part of me wants to cry from the feelings of being loved,a big part of me wants to laugh and just smile for the whole day and a small part of me wants to run away from the embarrassment of dressing up messily on my special day.It's amazing how humans can feel this much emotions at the same time huh?

Yeah,I look like a dork :P

Thank you everyone.

Love you guys so much!

P.S.The white cream is icing not acne cream or anything like that :P

H Is For Hoping.

Dear future husband,

I am currently reading this very beautiful manga called The Bride of The Water God,written by Yoon Mi-Kyung.Maybe you've heard of it?No?Oh well,it doesn't matter much.It's a great manga and it made me daydream about you.I hope that you may somehow resemble my favourite character,Habaek/Mui from the manga.

Habaek is not the typical romantist hero who sweeps his princess off her feet.Instead,he's a strict and cold hero who pretends that he doesn't give a crap about his wife when in fact he does.He is actually quite romantic but not all the time.I guess he doesn't wanna spoil his wife huh?Well,I kinda like that idea.I want you to be strict with me so that I am not so dependent but at the same time,I want you to be romantic and love me eternally.Of course,I want you to love Allah more because The Almighty is much more important but you get my point right?

I want us to communicate with one another and be each other's best friend,teacher and lover.I want us to trust one another and share our deepest thoughts together.I want us to be able to hold hands or hug or kiss each other in public till we're old and cranky.I want us to raise our kids together and tell them the silly things that we used to do.I want us to spend our life together,exploring things that we never knew.I hope that I can really find you and be with you because you're the only person who can prove me wrong right now.Show to me what I once believed in is real.

See how whinny and demanding your future wife is?You gotta be one hell of a guy to be able to cope with me.Let's hope you have the patience to cope with me.

P.S. If I can,I want to wake up in the morning and hear you say "Hello Ai Ren".

P.S.S. "Ai Ren" means loved one.It is a Chinese term that is used by husbands to symbolise the woman that is most precious to him.

G Is For Grasping.

Eumoirous-happiness due to being honest and wholesome.

Somehow I feel like I can breathe again.It's like a small part of the burden have been lifted off and this chest of mine seems to be rising effortlessly.Thank you for listening to me.That little action made me feel a whole lot better.I miss you to a lot.I miss the times we spent together.I miss the old me but for now,I'm just not ready to be that girl again.Well to be honest,even though I'm an IIUM student,I only know a few words of Arabic.I'm still a beginner so go slow on me kiddo.I'm glad that you're still the same you.I'll be waiting for those arms but for now,just give me some room to find myself,kay?I hope that one day we can have that same relationship that we had before.

F Is For Forever.

My friend told me something very important last night.She told me that Allah gets jealous really easily.She said that Allah will always be there for us but gets jealous when we leave Him so don't ever make Him jealous.She said that no matter how much sins we commit everyday,no matter how big it is,Allah would always forgive us and welcome us into His arms.

She said that whenever we're sad,Allah would be the only person who would never abandon us.He would always try to communicate with us either through the Quran,our prayer or He would show us some signs in our life.I remembered once when she just finished reciting the Quran,she looked at me and smiled.Then she said :

"Manusia sangat kejam kan?Bila dia sedih,barulah dia mencari Tuhannya"

(Humans are so cruel right?When they are sad,they would seek their Creator)

Why does my heart aches when she said that?Ya Allah,what am I missing?Help me,please.

La tahzan innAllaha ma'ka.

Jangan sedih,sesungguhnya Allah berada di sisi hamabaNya.

Don't be sad,Allah is with us.